"Relationships are too complicated and tough to hold onto for long."

Relationships are too complicated and tough to hold onto for long, that's what how I feel. I don't know how to keep a stable, happy and healthy relationship with anyone. Whether it be my parents, a friend, my siblings, caring or not relatives , an employee, a child or even a stranger. My inner self is way too closed or conservative to express what I feel or want to tell them. Even if it's love , care , concerns or hatred , I can't express any emotions without shaking or thinking hundred times before of it in my head and by the time I do , it's either too late or of no use anymore.

It's that every conversation feels like a risk assessment. My mind tries to predict every possible outcome before I speak, hoping to avoid saying the wrong thing.

The problem is that relationships don't give us that kind of certainty. Sometimes people misunderstand us. Sometimes our words come out awkwardly. Sometimes we say something at the wrong time. And yet, those imperfect conversations are often what make relationships stronger.

Imagine two friends.

One says, "I don't really know how to say this, but I just wanted you to know I appreciate you."

The other says nothing because they couldn't find the perfect words.

Which friend makes the other person feel more valued?

Probably the first one—even though the sentence wasn't perfect.

It leaves me with a thought.

"Relationships feel difficult because I carry every conversation on my shoulders."

It was father's day. I wanted to say a lot of things to him but couldn't,i didn't even tried and the whole day i felt so pathetic of my self. I loathe the inner me to shut down on it's own and mess the things I have to deal with later..

"I wanted to tell my father how much he means to me, but I froze. Now I hate myself."

If someday I find the courage—even if it's weeks or months later—i would simply say something like:

‘ i don't hate you father, I hate our situations. Even more than that I hate myself for not being the daughter everyone could be proud of. I'm sorry I couldn't be the elder sister to my siblings they deserved. I want to do alot for you, for us . One day I want to hear you say you are proud of me. '